HM

One week into the new year and I’ve already failed miserably at keeping my resolution. As most folks do, on January 1^st I proclaimed that this was going to be the year of a new and better me. I’m already pretty fantastic (modest, no?) but throughout the month of December I had an AHA moment. I am addicted to shopping.

It was after an epic sample sale coup where I came home with so many bags, I had not the slightest clue what was in them. There was Alexander Wang and Proenza Schouler mixed in with a bit of Forever 21 and Hennes and Mauritz. I stood in my room frantically trying to hide my purchases from madre*. That woman can just smell new purchases. Then it hit me - who am I and why have I resorted to hiding my shizz? Madre has been trying to beat into my head the need to save and here I was spending aimlessly.

I made it my goal to not shop in the new year. I wanted to save not only because madre deemed it necessary but because I finally realized that keeping up with the Balenciagas just wasn’t happening. I’ve been working since I was sixteen yet what do I have to show for it? A closet full of clothes I’ve outgrown and enough makeup to makeover America - three times over.

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I want to be able to run to the bank in case of emergency and pull out $500+ without worrying if T-Mobile, Citibank and Victoria’s Secret will come after me. Mid- December I paid off a credit card and it felt so. damn. good. I started with credit cards at the tender age of 18 to pay for high school prom and all that came with. I got one card. Then two more. Then another. By sophomore year of college I had racked up so much debt I didn’t know what to do with myself.

See shopping does something for me. When I’m in the stores I get a rush after I find that one (or four) items that hug my body the way I want to or when I find a bag that just begs me to take it home. I’m suddenly no longer the girl from the Brooklyn ghetto. Growing up without money has a way of messing with your mind. Once you DO start making money, you tend to lose some rationale. It’s like shopping now is making up for the years when Christmas missed us and my brother and I resorted to re-wrapping each others favorite toys so it stings a little less.

And now at 23, I’ve finally come to admit the cold hard facts. The past is over and there are certain things you cannot make up for no matter how hard you try or how much you spend. I cannot (and should not) have to continue purchasing items to be friends with a certain person. Buying new clothes or accessories will not ease the loneliness or mend relationships.

Now’s the perfect time since I’m still freeloading off of madre, giving me time to pay of the remainder of my debts and save. I help pay rent and pay my own bills but it still doesn’t add up to how much I’d truly spend if I were living alone.

So my 30 days of no shopping began but one stressful week of work later, I ran to the places where I can do no wrong. A pair of shoes, a handbag, several shirts that make my A cups look more like C’s and one amazingly over sized blue sweater later I sit a woman ashamed. I make excuses - they were on SALE! - for my shopping but I feel guilty. I figure if I outed myself on the blog, I’d have to deal with the shame and learn from it.

And thus starts round two of Eileen vs the sales. Or rather Eileen vs. herself. Hopefully I can find new ways to challenge myself and deal with the stresses of life. Maybe I’ll take up yoga.

*madre is my mom

Please don’t forget that you can still help the people of Haiti, donate to the Red Cross today. Thank you.